A little old man with a big nose sits by the fireplace and talks about his incredible adventures, convincing listeners that these stories are pure truth.
Being in the winter in Russia, the baron fell asleep right in the open field, tying his horse to a small column. Waking up, M. saw that he was in the middle of the town, and the horse was tied to a cross on the bell tower - during the night the snow that had completely covered the city melted, and the small column turned out to be a snowy crown of the bell tower. Shooting the bridle in half, the baron lowered his horse. Traveling no longer on horseback, but in a sleigh, the baron met a wolf. With fear M. fell to the bottom of the sled and closed his eyes. The wolf jumped over the passenger and devoured the back of the horse. Under the blows of the whip, the beast rushed forward, squeezed the front of the horse and harnessed to the harness. Three hours later, M. rolled into Petersburg on a sleigh in which a ferocious wolf was harnessed.
Seeing a flock of wild ducks on a pond near the house, the baron rushed out of the house with a gun. M. hit his head on the door - sparks fell from his eyes. Already aiming at the duck, the baron realized that he had not taken the flint with him, but this did not stop him: he set fire to the powder with sparks from his own eye, hitting him with his fist. M. was not taken aback even during another hunt, when he came across a lake full of ducks, when he no longer had bullets: the baron strung ducks on a string, luring the birds with a piece of slippery bacon. Duck beads took off and carried the hunter to the house; twisting a pair of neck ducks, the baron came down unharmed into the chimney of his own kitchen. The absence of bullets did not spoil the following hunt: M. loaded the gun with a ramrod and stringed 7 partridges on it with one shot, and the birds were immediately fried on a hot rod. In order not to spoil the skin of the magnificent fox, the baron shot her with a long needle. Having nailed the beast to the tree, M. began to whip it so hard that the fox jumped out of its fur coat and ran off naked.
And after shooting a pig walking with his son in the woods, the baron shot a pig’s tail. The blind pig could not go further, having lost her guide (she held on to the tail of the cub, which led her along the trails); M. took up the tail and led the pig straight to his kitchen. Soon the boar also went there: chasing after M., the boar stuck with fangs in a tree; the baron could only tie him and take him home. Another time, M. loaded a shotgun with a cherry bone, not wanting to miss the handsome deer - however, the beast escaped anyway. A year later, our hunter met the same deer, between whose horns a magnificent cherry tree flaunted. Killing a deer, M. immediately got both roast and compote. When the wolf attacked him again, the baron stuck his fist deeper into the cleft palate and turned the predator inside out. The wolf fell dead; his fur made a great jacket.
A mad dog bit the baron's fur coat; she, too, went mad and tore all the clothes in the closet. Only after the shot, the fur coat allowed itself to be tied up and hung in a separate cupboard.
Another wonderful beast was caught while hunting with a dog: M. chased a hare for 3 days before being able to shoot him. It turned out that the animal has 8 legs (4 on the stomach and 4 on the back). After this chase, the dog died. Grieving, the baron ordered a jacket to be sewn from her skin. The new thing turned out to be difficult: it senses the prey and pulls toward the wolf or the hare, which it strives to kill with shooting buttons.
While in Lithuania, the baron curbed a mad horse. Wanting to show off in front of the ladies, M. flew on it into the dining room and gently burnt on the table, without breaking anything. For such grace, the baron received a horse as a gift. Perhaps on this very horse the baron burst into the Turkish fortress when the Turks were already closing the gate - and cut off the back half of the horse M. When the horse decided to drink water from the fountain, the liquid spilled out of it. Having caught the back half in the meadow, the doctor sewed both parts with bay leaves, from which the arbor soon grew. And in order to scout the number of Turkish guns, the baron jumped onto the core launched into their camp. The brave man returned to his oncoming nucleus. Once with the horse in the swamp, M. risked drowning, but grabbed hold of the braid of his wig and pulled out both of them.
When the baron was still captured by the Turks, he was appointed a bee shepherd. Beating off a bee from 2 bears, M. threw a silver hatchet at the robbers - so much that he threw it on the moon. On a long stalk of turkish peas grown right there, the shepherd climbed to the moon and found his weapon on a pile of rotten straw. The sun dried the peas, so I had to go back down the rope, woven from rotten straw, periodically cutting it and tying it to its own end. But 3–4 miles before the Earth, the rope broke and M. fell, breaking through a large hole, from which he climbed the steps dug out with his nails. But the bears got what they deserved: the baron caught a clubfoot on a shabby-oiled shank, into which he hammered a nail behind a strung bear. The Sultan laughed until you drop over this idea.
Going home from captivity, M. on a narrow path could not miss each other with an oncoming crew. I had to take the carriage on my shoulders, and the horses - under my armpits, and in two calls to transfer my belongings through another crew. The baron's coachman diligently blew a horn, but could not blow out a single sound. At the hotel, the horn thawed and thawed sounds fell from it.
When the baron sailed off the coast of India, a hurricane tore several thousand trees on the island and carried them to the clouds. When the storm ended, the trees fell into place and took root - all but one, on which two peasants gathered cucumbers (the only food of the natives). Fat peasants heeled the tree and it fell on the king, crushing him. The inhabitants of the island were terribly happy and offered the crown of M., but he refused, because he did not like cucumbers. After the storm, the ship arrived in Ceylon. During the hunt with the son of the governor, the traveler got lost and came across a huge lion. The baron rushed to run, but the crocodile had already crept up behind. fell on the ground; a lion jumping on it landed right in the mouth of a crocodile. The hunter cut off the head of the lion and so deeply pierced it in the mouth of the crocodile that he suffocated. The governor’s son could only congratulate his friend on the victory.
Then M. went to America. Along the way, the ship came across an underwater rock. From a strong blow, one of the sailors flew into the sea, but grabbed the beak of a heron and so held on to the water until salvation, and the head of the baron fell into his own stomach (for several months he pulled her out of her hair). The rock turned out to be a whale that woke up and, in a fit of rage, dragged the ship for an anchor across the sea all day. On the way back, the crew found the corpse of a giant fish and cut off its head. In a hole in a rotten tooth, sailors found their anchor along with a chain. Suddenly water poured into the hole, but M. plugged the hole with his own booty and saved everyone from death.
Sailing in the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Italy, the baron was swallowed by fish - or rather, he crouched in a lump and rushed right into the open mouth, so as not to be torn to pieces. From his stomp and fuss, the fish screamed and stuck its face out of the water. The sailors killed her with a harpoon and cut it with an ax, freeing the captive, who greeted them with a kind bow.
The ship sailed to Turkey. The Sultan invited M. to dinner and entrusted the business in Egypt. On the way there M. met a small walker with kettlebells on his feet, a man with a keen ear, a well-aimed hunter, a strong man and a hero, with air from the nostrils of a spinning mill blade. The baron took these guys as servants. A week later, the baron returned to Turkey. During lunch, the sultan, especially for the dear guest, took a bottle of good wine from a secret cabinet, but M. said that Chinese wine is better at Bogdykhan. To this the sultan replied that if, as evidence, the baron did not deliver a bottle of this wine by 4 o’clock in the afternoon, the head would be cut off to the bouncer. As a reward, M. demanded as much gold as 1 person could carry away at a time. With the help of new servants, the baron obtained wine, and the strong man brought out all the Sultan gold. On all sails M. hastened to go to sea.
The entire navy of the Sultan set off after. A servant with powerful nostrils sent the fleet back to the harbor, and drove his ship to Italy itself. he lived a rich man, but a quiet life was not for him. The Baron rushed to the war of the British with the Spaniards, and even made his way to the besieged English fortress of Gibraltar. On M.'s advice, the British directed the barrel of their cannon exactly toward the barrel of the Spanish cannon, as a result of which the nuclei collided and both flew to the Spaniards, with the Spanish core breaking through the roof of one shack and stuck in the old woman's throat. Her husband brought her a little snuff of tobacco, she sneezed and the core flew out. In gratitude for the good advice, the general wanted to make M. colonel, but he refused. Disguised as a Spanish priest, the baron sneaked into the enemy camp and threw guns far from the shore, burned down wooden vehicles. The Spanish army in terror rushed to flee, deciding that at night they had visited a myriad hordes of English.
Having settled in London, M. once fell asleep in the vent of an old cannon, where he hid from the heat. But the gunner fired in honor of the victory over the Spaniards, and the baron hit his head in a haystack. 3 months he stuck out of the stack, losing consciousness. in the fall, when the workers were raising a stack with a pitchfork, M. woke up, fell on his master’s head and broke his neck, which everyone was happy about.
The famous traveler Finne invited the baron on an expedition to the North Pole, where M. was attacked by a polar bear. The baron dodged and cut off the beast 3 fingers on the back foot, he released him and was shot. Several thousand bears surrounded the traveler, but he pulled on himself the skin of a killed bear and killed all the bears with a knife in the back of the head. Skins were torn from the killed animals, and carcasses were cut into ham.
In England, M. had already refused to travel, but his wealthy relative wanted to see the giants. In search of giants, the expedition sailed across the Southern Ocean, but the storm lifted the ship beyond the clouds, where, after a long "voyage", the ship moored to the moon. Travelers were surrounded by huge monsters on three-headed eagles (radish instead of weapons, fly agaric shields; belly like a suitcase, only 1 finger on his hand, his head can be removed, and his eyes can be removed and changed; new residents grow on trees like nuts, and when they grow old, they melt air).
And this was not the last voyage. On a half-wrecked Dutch ship M. sailed along the sea, which suddenly turned white - it was milk. The ship moored to the island from excellent Dutch cheese, on which even grape juice was milk, and the rivers were not only dairy, but also beer. The locals were three-legged, and the birds made huge nests. Travelers were severely punished for the lies of the travelers, with which M. could not but agree, for he could not stand the lies. When his ship sailed, the trees bowed twice after him. Wandering without a compass through the seas, sailors met different sea monsters. One fish, quenching thirst, swallowed the ship. Her stomach was literally full of ships; when the water subsided, M. together with the captain went for a walk and met many sailors from around the world. At the suggestion of the baron, the two highest masts were stuck up in the mouth of the fish, so the ships were able to swim out - and found themselves in the Caspian Sea. hurried ashore, saying that he had had enough adventures.
But as soon as M. got out of the boat, a bear attacked him. The baron squeezed his forepaws so hard that he roared with pain. kept clubfoot for 3 days and 3 nights, until he died of hunger, because he could not suck his paw. Since then, not a single bear has dared to attack the resourceful baron.
